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day one : life goes on

| Aug 23, 2015

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 Part 1

Life goes on.  Man, I hate this.  Can I just say this?  I remember the first Christmas after losing Penny, I got a Christmas card in the mail and it was from a family that lost their son.  The card listed the family members and of course this son’s name was listed and said that he had been gone for 5 years.  5 years!!  I cried and cried when I saw this card.  Would I someday say that Penny would have been gone for 5 years??  I hated that time went on.  That life had to move forward.  That perhaps one day, we would barely remember her or know what her skin felt like, or what she smelt like.  That she would become a memory that almost did not seem real anymore.  This crushed me.  This is why saying three years is so difficult.  However, I can find more peace in it because of things I now understand, as well as, things we have proactively done.

In the first few months, many, many people told us not to make any big decisions in the first year.  To give it time.  I knew why they said this, however, Ben (my husband) and I strongly disagreed.  After losing a child or a loved one, your life is put into perspective.  You have a clear vision of what really matters in this life.  We wanted to make life changing decisions while we still had this perspective and before the world came along and mucked it all up again!

So in the first 5 months we moved states and got pregnant. ha!

First we moved.  We buried Penny is Heber, Utah but at the time we lived in Huntington Beach, California.  When I went home to California after her “celebration”, I knew it was too far from her.  I wanted to be with her, take care of her, visit her.  Also, it seemed to busy where we were.  At the time things looked so clear, so black and white.   Slow down, don’t work as much,  be with your kids and family.  I am a photographer and was working a ton.  A ton for a mother of three kids at the time.  It no longer seemed important why I was working so hard.  Moving to a small town in Utah, allowed me to be near to Penny, slow down, and because of the cost of living difference, allowed me to not work as much.  This was all very important to me and for the next step for our family.

This is how and when Penny Ranch was born.  Penny loved animals more than any child I have ever seen.  It started at a crazy young age.  She would flap her arms and breathe heavily when she saw a dog and she was only 6 months old.   By the time she was 18 months, animals became more than an obsession.   Two weeks before we lost her, we brought her to Heber.   She insisted we stopped and pet all the animals we drove by.  “Touch it Horse.” “Touch it Cow.”  “Touch it Dog.” and “Touch it Deer.”  She loved it here.  We stopped every time and pet every horse and animal.   So when we were looking to move here we had a dream of making a “Penny Home.”  A home where we could feel Penny, her love and enthusiasm.  We were blessed to find an older home on two acres, with two barns and all set up and ready for animals.   Within the first year we had horses, bunnies and a dog.  The next year we added goats and chickens.  This year we added cats and sheep.

Penny Ranch as allowed us to incorporate Penny into our every day lives.  I can’t put Penny to bed.  But I do go out with animals every night.  My kids are not able to play and run with their sister who would now almost be five years old.  However, they do go out and run and play with their animals.  Daily.  Penny’s spirit dwells here.   Everyone who visits feels it.  It’s old, the barn needs work, the house needs work, the pasture … needs work.   It’s not perfect and we are not rich.   It doesn’t need to be.  She is here.

I tell you this because this started something within me.  It helped me to realize that life does go on.  But just because Penny is physically not here, does not mean she is gone.   I am a member of the LDS/Mormon faith.  Every sunday and scripture passage is read during our Sacrament.  It is D&C 20:77.  A excerpt of it says,

” O God, the Eternal Father, that they do always remember him, that they may have his Spirit to be with them.”

Remembering = having their spirit.   This was huge and started a dominos affect for me.  See for months people would say, “I pray you feel her” or “You will feel her” or worse, “I have felt Penny.”  I say worse, because others were telling me they felt my daughter, when I did not.   I didn’t know how to feel her, what that meant!  This was frustrating and made me very angry.  Then this simple concept made sense to me.  Remembering.  As I remembered, I could feel what she felt like, remember what it felt like to have her near.   I had Penny with me everyday for 21 months.  I knew what she felt like.  As I remembered her, I could be with her, spirit to spirit.   Have her spirit with me.  Just like this scripture says we can do with Christ, as we remember him.   It is the same promise.

Remembering is not always easy.   It can be hard and very painful.   I began a journal of her memories and collected her photos (which I will talk about later).  However, this is and was very painful.   This is not the kind of remembering that was necessary.

“We are more than our physical bodies, a truth that can comfort us during the many closures of life that are part of the human experience.  Our bodies’ apparent relation to chronological time is only an illusion, one that our spirits are tasked with revealing.  It is unnatural to our Divine design to let our thoughts live for too long in the past; such an imbalance creates time warps that interfere with our ability to live in the present and receive spiritual guidance each day.  That guidance will make no sense to us if we focus only on unraveling the mysteries of yesterday.  If we live fully in the present moment, the mysteries of yesterday will gradually be unraveled for us.  Our spirits are drawn instinctively to this sacred truth.  From it we can receive inspiration that lifts us into ecstasy.  We thrive and we heal in ecstatic moments, when our spirits become stronger that our bodies and our bodies can respond to the commands of our spirits.”  Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss

There is so much truth here.  How do you remember, but live in the present?!  The answer for me was to incorporate Penny into our present.  To take my memories and bring them to the present.

Here are a few ways we have done this:

- Taco Tuesday with Penny every week (as long as it’s warm. If it’s not we sit in the car)

- Visits and decorations

- Penny Ranch Wednesday, were we invite all friends to come and enjoy Penny Ranch with us!

- Christmas Penny Tree : this is a tree decorated in copper, angels, and deer.  We put it out every Christmas.  It is beautiful and full of many loved ones and many of you that have contributed to our tree.  It is full of love.   Christmas morning we open presents and when we are done we gather by the Penny Tree.  There is a beautifully wrapped gift for everyone under the tree.  With the special gift is a note “from Penny” to each one of the kids.  The note goes along with the gift and tells each child how Penny has watched, noticed them and helped him.   This is our VERY favorite part of Christmas!

- Lighting candles all around Penny every Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and New Years Eve.

- I light a candle for Penny every night in my bedroom.  Even when we are out of town.

- We do a annual Easter Egg hunt at the cemetery.  We invite friends and family.  We tell a funny story about Penny and frogs and hide three frog that are worth cash prizes.

- We bike from her to our home every memorial day and put out beautiful flowers

- We care for our animals as a family on her anniversary and send balloons like we did at her “celebration”

- We have a animal party on her birthday!

- We light sparklers with her every fourth of July!

- We cover her with hearts and kisses at Valentine’s time

- We decorate her for every season and holiday.  It can be a little out of control.

I try to post a lot of this on my instagram.  I was going to try to share photos here, but there are just too many.  You can visit my instagram at @_jillthomas

I know many family’s that have lost children and I am in awe how they have found ways to incorporate their child into their everyday life.   It allows you to connect and be with them spiritually but live in the present.  Because a new day comes and keeps coming.  As life goes on, there is hope, hope that you can truly feel and be connected with those you have lost because the reality is … their not really lost at all.

Part 2

I am doing a part 2 to today’s posts because I have a received quite a few emails or questions about having kids after losing a child and I thought it was fitting to put these thoughts here.

After losing Penny, I immediately got pregnant.  I was in such a haze and did not think much about it.  Penny passed at such a dynamic part of her life.  It was a time that she was full of personality and light, yet still very dependent on me and with me every day.  Toddlers are special and bring such a light and spirit into your home.  To have it gone so sudden was very very difficult.  Our home felt dark and lonely.  We did not want to replace Penny by any means, we just wanted that light back in our home.  Ben and I LOVE our kids.  We LOVE being parents.  We truly enjoy and want to be with our kids.  I guess we just really lucked out because they are really fun!  So to have more kids, seemed natural.  I am so grateful I did not think more beyond this and in this haze decided to add to our family because I think as time would have gone on I would of over thought and analyzed and it would of taken me longer.

How is it having kids now??  Wow!  How to begin to express this?  We have had two.  Van and Fern are 17 months apart.  These babies have healed and saved our home.   They have brought light, love, and hope with them.  Our home shines once again because of them.  Laughter, smiles, sounds of running little feet and even baby cries are back.   They are not Penny, but they are Penny’s siblings.  They each brought with them Penny qualities or what I like to think of as little gifts from Penny.  We are truly in love with these babies.  I am so grateful for them.  I am grateful that they have helped the rest of us step out of ourselves and our grief.  As we care for them, we are reminded, not to sit in self pity.  They need us, each of us.  They help us to move forward, to love more, to laugh more and that it is okay to do those things.

Yes, there are times it is hard.  Van is so much like Penny right now.  I love how he helps me remember the things Penny did.  He is also around the age we lossed Penny and that is scary.  I rarely leave him, as I know how fast bad things can happen.   I am constant fear of losing both Van and Fern.  I am checking on them 100 times a day and never let either out of my site.  So yes, this means two babies are with me at all times, no matter what I do or where I go.  I recently hiked to the top of Timpanogos Mountain with Fern on my back because I could not leave her.  If you don’t know what that is, google it!  It was quite an accomplishment.

It can also be difficult because of the reminders of Penny.  Even though reminders can be good and you want them, they can also be very difficult as it sends a bomb of grief and loss to your entire being.

However,  all this said, I thank my Heavenly Father each day, that I have these babies.  That each day I have them is a blessing.   No amount of grief, fear, or pain would over power the love I feel for them, especially when I truly believed, at one time, that I would never love like that again.

  1. Valentine

    Dear Jill
    Thank you for your article. I cried a lot because I have also been enduring the loss of a baby and even if it wasn’t the same circumstances I definitly recognise my feelings in what you write. Remember someone Can be very painful but it’s also a way to find peace… All my thoughts for you your family and of course for your angel. Valentine from,France

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